Loss and Gain

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The new school year will be in full swing come Monday. The last couple of weeks prior to going back to the classroom is always particularly difficult for me. I find myself focusing on the losses and gains that result when I return to work each year. Thanks to human nature, the losses get me every time.

I find myself mourning the loss of time I will get to spend with my children. I lose our simple routine. Our peaceful home becomes much more hurried. My to-do list grows while my time to complete the tasks is much more limited.

I struggle. To some, this speaks right to your heart. You know these feelings all too well. Others of you are rolling your eyes and want to tell me to get over it–it could be worse. You would not be wrong. If, however, you have ever had to keep going, moving forward with a dream that is not yours, then you can relate.

I have followed the Lord’s leading to where I am now. I left a career I enjoyed to pursue a degree in a field that I had never been interested in joining. I find myself pouring my heart into things because it is what I am supposed to do, not what I want to do. That’s hard. I’ve grappled with that a lot lately and while our current circumstances will not allow me to fulfill those desires of my heart, God is using this time to grow me in some uncomfortable, yet positive, ways.

He has made me aware of some heart work that must be done. There are areas in my life that I need to cultivate and trust him to bring forth fruit. He is challenging me to focus on what I am gaining during this season as opposed to what I feel is loss. He is reminding me that my journey is mine alone. He has orchestrated my days since the beginning and while my journey has yet to look like I planned, I’ve reaped abundant blessings along the way.

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” Philippians 1:21

Dying to ourselves requires sacrifice. There is no way around it. The more we align our hearts and minds to the will of God in our lives, the more we realize that he knows best, regardless of how we feel or what we think. Do I wish I could just quit my job and stay home with my babies? Yes. However, if I focus on what I gain by doing what God has called me to do, the reward far surpasses what I feel I’ve lost. Serving God and giving him my best in all circumstances can be difficult but I know that he honors me in those faith based efforts.

As a teacher, I am the recipient of both praise and criticism. The accolades are much less, but they mean so much more. It can be hard to have outsiders tell you that you are overpaid to play with children or to have law makers never set foot in your classroom but dictate your funding and resources. A professional expert never likes to hear that he or she does not know how to do his or her job. Ironically, don’t we as Christians often find ourselves responding to God in just that way?

God is a professional. He is an expert in every field. He knows the end of your journey and is prepared to support you every step of the way.

And yet, we act like he does not know what he’s doing. I have been learning a lot about really learning to trust his goodness and intentions over the last couple of years. The one thing that he continues to speak to my heart, especially right now, is that everything I feel like I am losing or missing out on in the name of Jesus is moving me one step closer to the glory that awaits.

When I see my Jesus face-to-face, I can rest assured that by dying to myself and persevering according to his leading, I will hear him say, “Well done, my good and faithful servant.” He will be proud of my willingness to serve him where he planted me. He will commend my efforts in attempting to balance my work and home responsibilities with grace. My children will call me blessed for having shown them the importance of choosing Christ and serving him well.

So, as the new school year gets underway, I pray (and at times beg) God to show me purpose in my current position. Because he is a gracious and loving God, he allows me to wallow but he does not leave me to it. He prompts me through scripture, comments from friends, and a still small voice in quiet moments to look at all I gain as I attempt to embrace the life laid before me. It takes discipline, courage, and surrender and ultimately, it will all be worth it.

 

 

 

Redirecting Disappointment

 

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Perfection is sought by many and obtained by none. The sense of rising above and conquering our lives is often ingrained in us from childhood. We are expected to make the grades, win the games, and obtain above average status, even before we leave middle school. The pressures of life do not stop there. We graduate and navigate ourselves through early adulthood; the voices of our past following us along the way.

The Things We Have to Do

We take the ideas that are thrust upon us well into adulthood and do one of two things. We either claim them or we fight against them. I fall into the first category. Throughout my life I have claimed the need to perfect areas myself and others have deemed less than satisfactory. It began with grades in upper elementary school and well into collage. I worked tirelessly to maintain a perfect GPA throughout my academic career. My need to please did not limit itself to just academics however.

I made friends among every clique. I did everything in my power to uphold the expectations of my parents. I made every effort to be the one who aligned my life with what I thought God expected of me. My efforts were often exhausting and in moments of weariness, I would put on a fake smile, just to ensure those around me that I had it all together.

I insisted that I just had to do it all. I carried this mentality into my life as a wife and mother and I quickly learned that I was simply not equipped for everything set before me. I began to realize that I was stretched too thin and for the longest time, I thought there was nothing I could do about it. I had to do it all, but in trying to do it all, I was also unintentionally letting others down. I was disappointing others, not because I wanted to, but because I simply had no choice. I had taken on too much and negative consequences were the end result.

I had to miss meetings and outings. I had to cancel appointments and withdraw from various social and family commitments because time would not allow me to fit everything in. I was drowning in a turbulent sea of “have to’s” and disappointments that I had created myself. I was letting myself and others down. However, an awakening occurred that would allow me to see ways that I was falling short in the eyes of my Father and it would eventually free my soul in ways I could not have expected.

You Can Only Move Forward

Satan loves to kick us when we’re down. I remember going through a scripture series that was geared towards overcoming fear and anxiety. I was at a point in my life when not only was I dealing with the disappointments that I was imposing on other people, but I was struggling with the ways in which I was letting myself and God down as well. I realized that I was not living up to my Christ-designed potential and with every bump in the road, Satan was reminding me of that. I was heartbroken over feeling like I could not dedicate the time to my family that I felt they deserved. I was over extended at work with no end in sight. I had not been able to plan a single date night with my husband.

Every person I felt like I had let down reassured me that they were okay and that they understood. While I wish this was comforting, it only seemed to add salt to the wound.
In the midst of all of this, my son and I were involved in a tragic car accident. The months following the tragedy were hard, but the first few weeks were almost unbearable. The physical healing took a couple of months and the emotional healing is still in process. The first week I could be found at home sitting upright in our recliner staring out the window. During those initial days, God led me to a realization that would lead me on a journey to overcoming all of the disappointments I was experiencing.

Cracking the Code

Due to my injuries, I was unable to care for my children, complete simple household chores, or go to work. My fast paced life had stopped. I was no longer in motion and you know what? The world kept turning. My kids were still clothed, bathed and fed. My students were still taught and other work obligations were still completed. My husband still held my hand and made plans with me for our future. In those moments of stillness, I finally realized that the complete functioning of our lives was not dependent upon me.
I remember being in awe of how well things were managed without me. While initially this stung my pride, I quickly accepted that this was a chance for altering my reality.

I was at a crossroads. I could heal and pretend that none of this happened, or I could use these precious moments of clarity to guide my future decisions and attitudes.

I felt like I had cracked a magical code. I could finally have the kind of life that allowed me to be okay with not being able to do everything.

Putting It into Practice

While I was grieving and healing, I learned that God had ordained good to come from the tragedy. I could honor Him by putting what he was teaching me into practice. I now had all of this heart and head knowledge and I needed to build upon that foundation. Disappointment is inevitable, but if we change our perspective, we are more equipped to handle it when it comes and are less likely to impose disappointment on others.
I believe this has to start by recognizing God in all things.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 NIV

It was time for me to take a detour from my typical way of handling disappointments. I began taking my decisions, big and small, to God in prayer. I realized that he was not just concerned with major decisions, but that he also honored his involvement in the everyday matters, such as whether or not to have our child participate in a sport. Everything we do, whether daily, or once, impacts ourselves, others, and the Kingdom. If we constantly try to fill our plates with all of the things we feel we have to do, we often miss out on what he actually wants us to do.

I also learned how to rejoice and give thanks in all things. These actions seem contradictory when you are in the throes of hardship, but I can now strongly state that these actions are of upmost importance, especially in the midst of difficulties. How does this shift in attitude help us deal with disappointments?

It opens our eyes to the truth. Satan would have us believe that those who disappoint us are only out to hurt our feelings or make our lives more difficult. He takes joy in seeing us take even the most innocent of disappointments and turning them into something unrealistically personal. Flip that coin and he would also have us believe that others are terribly offended and inconvenienced when in reality, they understand and do not think another thing about it.

The revelations from that time have led to multiple changes in how I conduct myself and keep my calendar. I seek God’s guidance, speak openly with those who make requests of me, and keep more white space on my calendar. I no longer feel the need to be everything for everyone. God has designed me and equipped me with the skills, time, and talents to fulfill his purpose for me. The more I tap into those things, the more I realize that it is okay to decline invitations or committee requests. I can delegate tasks as needed. I can savor this season of life regardless of the disappointments I face because I know that God will take each disappointment and use it for his good.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

Be Encouraged

Our disappointments and short comings go far beyond failed New Year’s resolutions. It is my hope that you will seek God in the middle of disappointing situations. I also encourage you to seek God for clarity and discernment to recognize moments of disappointment for what they really are. Disappointments are moments in life that are meant for growth. We can either wallow in pain or use the situations to gain insight and build character. God does not expect perfection. He knows we are broken people, but it is in those broken places that we can find a renewed sense of wholeness.

Will you allow yourself to accept God’s grace in the situation? Will you likewise extend that same grace to others? Choose today how you want to deal with the next disappointment that comes your way.

Crust-less Mexican Quiche

Taco Tuesday is standard at our house. It is expected. However, sometimes I get the taste for something that can tip its hat to Taco Tuesday on any other given day. Mexican Quiche wears that hat.

This simple recipe takes minimal prep and is done in no time which makes it a great week night meal. I have also served this for special gatherings and it has been a hit every time. Do not be surprised if there are no leftovers.

Just so you know, a traditional quiche typically has a crust. You can make this quiche in a crust by making the egg base and pouring it into the crust. Base your final baking directions on the instructions that go along with your crust.

• Servings: 4-6
• Time: 35 minutes
• Difficulty: easy
• Print

Ingredients

1/2c diced ham, crumbled (cooked) bacon, or brown sausage and/or vegetables

1/2c cottage cheese

1/2c salsa Verde

1c shredded pepper jack cheese

1/2c heavy cream

6 eggs

salt and pepper to taste

Directions

Preheat oven to 400F.

In a medium size bowl whisk together the eggs and cream. Mix in remaining ingredients, reserving 1/2c of shredded cheese. Pour the mixture into a greased pie pan or 8×8 casserole dish. Top with the remaining cheese. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until cooked through and top is golden.
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Am I Worth It?

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I find that there are generally two simple camps of thought when someone asks him or herself, “Am I worth it?” Yes. No. Rarely do I hear “maybe” or “sometimes”. We either count ourselves worthy of something or not.

As a mother, wife and full time elementary school teacher, my days are packed. My life is one problem to solve after another. I often get weighed down by my responsibilities. I feel stretched thin or inadequate to complete the tasks before me. I want to be present. I want to put my whole heart into all that I do, but sometimes there is little left of me to give.

I was involved in an accident in 2016 and my injuries kept me down for several weeks. I moved slow, my body was exhausted from trying to heal and mentally I was drained. In the months following the accident, God taught me a lot about self care. In many ways he brought to light that there was more than enough of me to accomplish all that he had for me, but it would require me to prioritize and possibly sacrifice. I would have to say no to good things in order to participate in the best things. I still have to remind myself of these things daily.

This particularly hard for me because one of my weakest areas has always been self care. As a mother and teacher, every fiber of my being longs to care for others. Ironically, I often neglect to care for myself. I believe a lot of this comes from the fact that I have always felt like making myself a priority is selfish. How dare I let others down when they need me. I would be completely unlike Christ if put my needs before the needs of others.

Sound familiar?

The other mindset I battle is my worth. Am I really worth investing in? So what if I am tired. I’m a mom. We’re tired. That’s part of the gig. I also teach a classroom full of tiny humans every day. Exhaustion comes with the territory. By the time I work all day, come home, make dinner, clean up, put the littles to bed and prepare for the next day, I feel like there is no time for me.

Until recently, the struggle was real. Now don’t get me wrong, there is still a struggle, but I handle it differently. The number one thing I have had to address is my health. At the beginning of this summer I was almost back to my heaviest weight, I felt sluggish, and I hated looking in a mirror. Nothing fit right and my mind was so full of negative thoughts that it was beginning to seep into my attitude. I did not like who I was becoming.

In a rare moment of solitude, I found myself scrolling through pictures, only to recover a picture of myself from about 2 years ago. I was eating well and exercising. I became teary as I remembered how good I felt at that point in my life. I was still a mom and I was still a teacher but I was not nearly as tired or mentally adverse. I felt like I was worth something. I loved myself. I was beginning to love who I was for what God made me.

When did I stop loving myself?

Somewhere along the way I had lost sight of my value. I had decided that I was not worth the time or effort. I could not have been more wrong.

For the last 6 weeks I have slowly worked my way into consistent exercise. I am eating to fuel my body and I am carving out at least 15 minutes to do something I enjoy. 15 minutes does not sound like much but you would be surprised at how much refueling can take place in that short amount of time. I have since found so much joy in caring for myself. I no longer consider myself selfish. I now realize that I am worth it. I am worth the effort. God has given me this one life and I want to live it well. I want to treat my body as he intended. I also want to set a positive example for my children, friends and family.

The negative thoughts I have about myself do not stand up against what God says about my worth. I was looking at superficial pieces of my person instead of tending to my heart. By working out, eating well, and allowing myself to refuel, I was parting ways with negativity, which in turn, softened my heart and allowed me to begin to love myself again. I felt good about taking care of me.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

If I deny my worth, than I am denying the image in which God made me.

“So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.”  Genesis 1:27

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10

The Lord is not only empowering me to tend to myself on the outside, he is creating change on the inside. He has shown me that I am worth it. His greatest effort in exemplifying the value that he places upon me happened the moment he sent his son Jesus to die on the cross for me. He valued me so much that he could not stand the thought of an eternity without me. He says the same for you.

I simply want to encourage you to try to see yourself through his eyes. If for only a second you can get a glimpse of the person he specifically created you to be, I believe you’ll be hooked. You’ll want to make positive change in yourself that will show the world what he can do with a life. The investment will look different for everyone, but the message is the same. You are worth it.

 

Breaking Bitterness

The kids were playing and their giggles filled the room. I caught myself smiling at yet another moment of our day that I have come to cherish. The summer months are precious. I can put aside my teacher duties and focus on my most important work—my children. As the summer passes much too quickly and we near the start of yet another school year, I become acutely aware of what I miss out on during my time away at work.

I miss hours of memory making. The mundane suddenly becomes the most wonderful of things. My heart longs to capture each moment in still frame so as not to forget these years with little ones. I finally understand that all of the phrases my mother used to repeatedly say were not cliché. Time does fly. They do grow up too fast. Now that I am older and a mother of my own children, I do understand.

Since the birth of my son three years ago, my heart and head have been battling for my attention. With every passing milestone, I would find myself longing more and more to be at home with my children. Even now, our circumstances do not afford me that opportunity. I have sowed many seeds of bitterness over the years and while not proud of it, you’ll find I’ve managed quite the field of weeds.

However, bitter seedlings have been taking root long before the birth of my children. My past history and present dealings with infertility come with many pains that have resulted in bitterness. Those years cultivated the field that is too often watered with feelings of jealousy, frustration and discontentment.

This morning, the very same morning in which I was found soaking up the joys of motherhood, had a very low moment. A simple scripture that normally brings joy to my heart, suddenly sparked such disdain. I have never had scripture ignite bitterness within me. I mourned the loss of moments I’d have with my kids come August. I became angry and heartbroken over our inability to conceive naturally yet again. If God so eagerly wants to grant us the desires of our hearts, then why am I not able to do the things my heart desires?

These questions have been swirling in my head for months and for whatever reason, today the emotions came to a head. I fought back tears. I was hurt. I grieved what I consider loss. I asked God one simple question: why? He answered as only God can.

He used the very same scripture that spurred my bitterness to show his love towards me.

I desired a family and children. He brought us through infertility twice and to think that he would not do it again goes against the desire he has placed upon my heart. I believe he will bring us through our infertility yet again to complete our family.

As for my profession—it was never my initial calling to become a teacher. If you asked, it would not have been on my list of dream careers. However, I did want God’s will in my life. I left a career I enjoyed to pursue a degree in teaching. I cannot explain the decision outside of just knowing that it was what God was calling me to. I have received so many blessings and out of all of the jobs I have worked, it is the only one that allows me to spend as much time with my kids as I do. For that I am grateful.

Our God is gracious. He is merciful. In those moments of ungratefulness he could have struck me down with justification. But instead, he calmed my spirit. He allowed me to experience the shame and guilt of my thoughts, but then ever so gently, blotted my sin stained heart. He met me in those moments and reminded me that while my heart has desires, most of which he has indeed planted there, there is a time and purpose in every part of his plan for my life.

He reminded me that if I am to truly live a life pleasing to him and reap a blessed harvest for my efforts, I must work towards allowing him to help relieve me of my bitterness.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Ephesians 4:31

I was also reminded that my journey isn’t just about me. The places God takes me may be also to benefit or in some other way impact another. My daughter may grow up to be a working mom and I can show her as she grows that it can be done. I can show her that the time apart does not make her a bad mother. It makes her strong and determined and it can make the moments together that much more sweet. I may be the teacher that bonds with a student unlike any other. It may be my voice of encouragement that pushes them on to graduation. Our position always has purpose.

With all of that in mind, I took time to confess my heart to God. While he knows my heart, it was an essential part of starting the healing process. I brought my sins before him and sought his forgiveness for my feelings and thoughts. He wants more for me in this life. He does not want me to wear the weight of bitterness and comparison. So, for now, I am going to try and seek his next steps for me while trying to be present and remain grateful for the gifts he has given. I am going to break myself of bitterness.

If you struggle with bitterness, I encourage you to first confess those feelings to the Lord. In those moments that those feelings begin to rear their head, combat them with worship and name your blessings one by one. We were meant to live our lives with joy. Do not let bitterness rob you of a life well lived.